Fighting low self-esteem, the young person's disease!

        Unfortunately it seems that low self-esteem has become, or rather is still a world wide epidemic. The number of children I have worked with that say things or behave in ways that show me they have low self-esteem is remarkable as well as sad. Research shows that girls seem to reach a peak in their self-esteem by age 9, and then there is a tendency for it to slowly start decreasing as they become more aware of the media and give more importance to peer pressure. In boys, this change happens earlier. 

Writing about examples of children with low self-esteem would be beyond the scope of this article however I wanted to share some activities we have employed over the years in my practice both as an animator as well as during my training as a counselling psychologist with children.

1. Feeling cards

These are cards that can be bought from shops either locally or online which depict both children and adults with different emotions. This can be used as a game or activity in which you would invite your child to guess the feeling on the card you have picked and you do the same with him/her. Once the child has gotten used to the emotions I like to invite that person to invent a story of why he/she thinks the person is feeling what they are feeling.

These cards allow children to associate themselves with different feelings because they can identify themselves when you ask ' Have you ever felt like this little boy is feeling in the card?'. By asking such gentle probing questions you not only give the message that feeling any emotion is normal and good; but you also create a stronger bond and show them that they are not alone in feeling what they are feeling. With children who tend to think of themselves negatively, sometimes asking the child 'what do you think would make this little boy feel better?' gets the child to think outside the box of their own needs and what they can do to help themselves.

It is very important that we raise our children to be resilient and learn how to cope with life's stressors. Sometimes we try so hard to protect our children from harm's way that we can forget to teach them how to protect themselves :)

2. Discover hidden talents

One of the most common phrases I hear when working with children in any role is "I can't do it, it's too hard...I'm not good at anything!". What happens here is called generalising. This happens when something is difficult and they are not able to do it so they generalise this to everything. Therefore if I cannot hit a tennis ball with the racket, then I cannot do anything sports related. The trick with this is to actually explain and tell the child that it is true that they are having difficulty with one task, but that does not mean that they are going to have the same difficulty with anything else. Following this you can grab a piece of paper and ask the child what they are good at doing, and what they have found difficult. They might need some encouragement. Often they might start out by saying "I don't have anything I am good at", this is your chance to be 'curious' together and go over things you have done together until they come up with at least one good thing.

3. Set realistic goals

When setting goals with children it is important that the goals are realistic. Sometimes children use black or white thinking, that is, something is either all good or all bad. We have to help them make goals that are easily achieved with enough of a challenge that is stimulating but not overwhelming enough to make them want to give up. I have found with children as well as with myself that when we are faced with large tasks, breaking it down into small easily attainable goals makes the difference between coming out of it feeling like a star or giving up after 5 minutes.

4. Use fairy tales wisely

Children love fairy tales, story books and films. If one had to stop and look into the hidden meaning, nearly all of the beloved characters had issues somehow relating to self-esteem. Some of the example include : Ariel wanting to be human , Shrek being upset that he is an Ogre, the Beast in Beauty and the Beast, Piglet in Winne the Pooh...the list is endless. It's what we can take from these stories that can have a massive impact on our children. 

Self-esteem is such a common word used for both children and adults that one can easily fall into the trap of dismissing it. Despite being one of the most common issues, it is not easy to work with once people reach adulthood. Targeting self-esteem early on is so important and it need not be overwhelming. The actual process, if you take it with a pinch of salt and optimism, can actually be fun!


Written by
Dr. Stephanie Bartolo 
HCPC reigstered counselling psychologist (U.K)